Codependency is a term used to describe a person who is dependent upon another person. It often refers to unhealthy thoughts, emotions and behaviors exhibited in a relationship with an alcoholic. A common and destructive trait of codependents is their tendency to “enable” an alcoholic in perpetuating inappropriate behavior, such as; excessive drinking, unemployment, missed engagements, outrageous remarks and the like. Enabling means things like; giving money, finishing work, ignoring behaviors, making excuses, and staying quiet when coming face to face with behaviors that demand admonishment. When alcoholics have an enabler visa vie a codependent they rarely feel the brunt of their behaviors to the fullest extent. In other words they don’t suffer enough consequences to motivate a change in their behavior. For the alcoholic, the codependent becomes their parachute. They rely on the fact that no matter what they do, someone will assist in minimizing the consequences of their actions. If throughout an alcoholic’s life there exists a practicing codependent the duration and gravity of that person’s alcoholism will increase.

The caveat is that many mental health professionals recognize codependency as a personality disorder unto itself. It is as if people with codependent personalities need “needy people” in order to practice behaviors that coincide with their own thoughts and feelings. It is a common belief within the industry of chemical dependency that codependency always precedes addiction. A person cannot continue a lifestyle burdened with alcohol abuse without someone in their life cosigning that behavior. Alcoholics need codependents as much as codependents need alcoholics. They can be dysfunctional relationships that often lead to feelings of fear, guilt, confusion, and unhappiness.

If someone exhibiting codependent behaviors prefers a happy life based upon self-honesty and self-respect there is help. The first step is to recognize that there is a problem. The fact is just about everyone with a few exceptions will at times put the welfare of others before their own. Codependency is not necessarily about putting the welfare of others before their own welfare; rather it’s about putting the alcoholic’s self-destructive behaviors before their own personal beliefs in order to fulfill an inner psychological need. They will at times suffer because of those choices. It is important to recognize when those behaviors have occurred and to talk to someone that understands codependency, like an MFT or psychoanalyst, and take appropriate contrary action. If nothing changes than nothing changes and recovery is about “change” plain and simple. That goes for the alcoholic, gambler, codependent, over-eater, smoker, liar, cheater and thief. One must want change. One must commit to change. And one must take action to begin that very change. And once change begins, self-esteem returns. The exact moment that a person feels the benefits of recovery, like improved self-esteem, it is self-motivating. If I practice this behavior I feel this way and if it feels better, than I will be repeat it. Sounds too simple? Well it is - but it is not easy. If people don’t feel better in recovery they will not stay in recovery. That is why taking appropriate action is the key to success, because it changes how you feel. Most mental health professionals believe that “emotion” is the core mechanism driving human behavior. Was there an emotion that motivated you to search and read this website? According to Silvan Tompkins who is often referred to as the “American Einstein,” he writes that without emotion, nothing matters and with emotion, anything matters.

The codependent and the alcoholic are very similar in that they are both addicts. The later addicted to alcohol and the former addicted to a person. Codependency recovery and alcoholism recovery are also very similar. First a person changes their behavior. Their new behaviors in turn change how they feel. Their new behaviors and feelings will give them new and better things to think about. On a lighter note it has been said that when a codependent person dies, someone else’s life flashes before their eyes, and when an alcoholic dies they just deny it. This joke has in it just enough truth to make it almost as sad as it is funny. But no matter how a person finds the truth in the end what matters is that truth is found.